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It was early.
Ben’s red hair appeared to be on fire in the pre-dawn light as he walked down the main corridor of the praxeum, headed for the hangar.
He’d made the decision a few short days ago to run off with Hallie on her foolish pirate adventures. While it seemed childish, it was better than being here, with ghosts haunting him round every corner and every time he closed his eyes. Every time he dared think about the past, whenever he looked across his bedroom toward where he’d once lied.
They made the decision to leave before everyone else had awakened. It would be easier that way; no questions, no prying, no one to try and change their minds. He hadn’t told his parents what he’d planned. They would only complain and coddle and refuse him. No, they didn’t need to know what he would be doing. He was nearly an adult anyway; he could make his own decisions. He wasn’t a baby, despite how they treated him.
Not saying goodbye would likely hurt his grandfather’s feelings, but he was confident that he would understand. He needed space. He needed time. He needed something that was different. There was no recovering for him here. Despite these thoughts, he did stop off briefly at his office, going to take a pen to paper and write a quick note.
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just need time’
There. That would be good enough.
He trusted his grandfather to not search for him and to let him be. Besides, he’d know if something happened, even if Ben wasn’t able to feel it coming. He had every confidence in him. He could always depend on Grandpa Ani.
Returning to the hallway, he moved swiftly, wanting to hurry on before any of the early risers began to show their faces. He had one last corner left to turn, when he was met by a surprise.
Sammi stood there, blocking his path. It was unusual for her to be up at this hour. Because of that, he knew it was because she was expecting him. Likely she felt his departure and felt it was her duty to stop him. At times like this, he did miss his connection to the Force; sensing one’s motivations had always come in handy before and he wished he was still able to. Especially considering the vocation he was about to take on.
“You don’t have to do this, Ben.” She said softly, a furrow in her brow that was far too like his grandfather’s.
“I will do what I must.” He replied, his face impassive. He wouldn’t let her stop him from what he’d set out to do. It wasn’t her place to tell him this or that. He was his own person and he would make his own decisions, for the first time in his life. It struck him quietly how much he sounded like Grandpa Ben at that moment.
“... but you don’t have to. Running isn’t something you must do, Ben. How will you face your memories and recover when you won’t look them in the eye?”
“Looking at them is exactly what I intend on doing. It’s all I’ve been doing, Sammi. I can’t move on because that is all I’m doing. It’s cruel. And I won’t do it anymore.” Taking a step forward, he made to move past her, but she grabbed his arm in a surprisingly tight grip, leaning in. “Ben. This won’t solve anything. Annie knew his life would be short. But you? You’re destined for so much…”
He took pause, blue eyes narrowing as he absorbed her words.
“What do you mean he knew his life would be short?” Ben asked, voice turning low and cold. From the way Sammi averted her gaze and stepped back, releasing him, he knew. She didn’t have to answer him. “He knew. He knew this would happen. And so did you. And you didn’t do anything.”
Normally, he would feel enraged, consider this a betrayal, but he felt nothing welling up in him. It was a testament to how disconnected he’d become. He didn’t need his Force sensitivity to see her discomfort, her hesitation. But there was no guilt there. None at all. Did she have no remorse over Annie’s death?
“Of course I have remorse.” Sammi said quietly, sighing. “But it was the will of the Force, Ben. It was meant to happen and thus it did. He was meant to save you, by sacrificing his own life, so that you would live on and become a great Jedi.” “But there are no Jedi. I cannot become something that no longer exists, especially when it’s impossible for me now. I can train my body all I want but my mind is no longer connected. You know that. I don’t see why you continue to argue the point with me, rubbing in all that I can no longer do. Especially by invading my feelings as you just did.”
Sammi recoiled, but ever so faintly. His words struck her, yes, but his tone-- his absolute void of feeling. It was so cold and so lonely. He was in such pain, he just didn’t see it. “Oh, Ben…”
“You knew.” He repeated, cutting her off. “Have you told anyone else that you knew? Grandpa? My dad? How about Aunt Leia and Uncle Han? I think they’d like to know.” Slowly, he began circling her, eyes trained on her as if she were his prey. “They’d want to know about your betrayal. Grandpa would be sad, disappointed. Dad would be shocked, dismayed that you feel so little. It’s the apathy of the light, isn’t it? You just sit idly by and let things happen, even if you could have stopped them.” He gave pause here, letting that sink in before continuing, “... and Aunt Leia already dislikes you. She’s jealous of you. What do you think will happen when she finds out? Because she will, inevitably.”
The girl frowned, knowing that he was right. Ben was absolutely right. It was why she didn’t even try to argue with him. It was better for him to let this out now, than to hold on to it, even if it hurt her in the process.
“... then she’ll go from disliking you to outright hating you. She’s vengeful. We all know that. It’s no secret. When she finds out, she’ll come after you, and you had better be ready for the dangerous onslaught you will have to face. Then there’s Uncle Han. Even when Aunt Leia was mean to you, he was nice. But I wouldn’t expect that to last. He’ll probably hate you just as much as she will.”
He didn’t say these things to be unkind. Rather, they were simply the truth and he was stating it clear as day for her, seeing as how she didn’t seem to understand the ramifications of her actions or, rather, inactions.
Apparently, Sammi had nothing to say to that. So, he turned on his heel and began the last leg of his trek once again, when he heard her pipe up from behind him, “Ben--”
“Oh.” He interrupted, stopping in his tracks. “That’s right. I forgot about Grandpa Ben.”
Sammi had been about to follow him, but stopped at those words, feeling her blood run cold. He wasn’t finished yet. And she had the feeling that this one might hurt the most.
“... you were kind of a complication for him at first, weren’t you? It took him a long time to warm up, but he did, eventually. He welcomed you as his own child; though, he couldn’t embrace you fully, because of the relationship he had with Grandpa Ani. He was too defensive of him moving in on his children. Despite all of that you became so close. He’s more of a best friend to you. A much older best friend. And that’s why it was so easy, wasn’t it?”
His question startled her, blue eyes widening in disbelief. She hadn’t thought that this would come, she never guessed that this discussion would take such a direction. She bounced on her heels, as though tempted to run. Just run before he could voice her most secret feelings, make them known. She could ignore them so long as no one else ever acknowledged them. If he spoke those words, then it’d be real and she’d be so awful for feeling the way she did.
Luckily, Ben let that hang in the air, giving her a pointed look before abandoning her once again.
This time, she made no move to stop him.
Ben’s red hair appeared to be on fire in the pre-dawn light as he walked down the main corridor of the praxeum, headed for the hangar.
He’d made the decision a few short days ago to run off with Hallie on her foolish pirate adventures. While it seemed childish, it was better than being here, with ghosts haunting him round every corner and every time he closed his eyes. Every time he dared think about the past, whenever he looked across his bedroom toward where he’d once lied.
They made the decision to leave before everyone else had awakened. It would be easier that way; no questions, no prying, no one to try and change their minds. He hadn’t told his parents what he’d planned. They would only complain and coddle and refuse him. No, they didn’t need to know what he would be doing. He was nearly an adult anyway; he could make his own decisions. He wasn’t a baby, despite how they treated him.
Not saying goodbye would likely hurt his grandfather’s feelings, but he was confident that he would understand. He needed space. He needed time. He needed something that was different. There was no recovering for him here. Despite these thoughts, he did stop off briefly at his office, going to take a pen to paper and write a quick note.
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just need time’
There. That would be good enough.
He trusted his grandfather to not search for him and to let him be. Besides, he’d know if something happened, even if Ben wasn’t able to feel it coming. He had every confidence in him. He could always depend on Grandpa Ani.
Returning to the hallway, he moved swiftly, wanting to hurry on before any of the early risers began to show their faces. He had one last corner left to turn, when he was met by a surprise.
Sammi stood there, blocking his path. It was unusual for her to be up at this hour. Because of that, he knew it was because she was expecting him. Likely she felt his departure and felt it was her duty to stop him. At times like this, he did miss his connection to the Force; sensing one’s motivations had always come in handy before and he wished he was still able to. Especially considering the vocation he was about to take on.
“You don’t have to do this, Ben.” She said softly, a furrow in her brow that was far too like his grandfather’s.
“I will do what I must.” He replied, his face impassive. He wouldn’t let her stop him from what he’d set out to do. It wasn’t her place to tell him this or that. He was his own person and he would make his own decisions, for the first time in his life. It struck him quietly how much he sounded like Grandpa Ben at that moment.
“... but you don’t have to. Running isn’t something you must do, Ben. How will you face your memories and recover when you won’t look them in the eye?”
“Looking at them is exactly what I intend on doing. It’s all I’ve been doing, Sammi. I can’t move on because that is all I’m doing. It’s cruel. And I won’t do it anymore.” Taking a step forward, he made to move past her, but she grabbed his arm in a surprisingly tight grip, leaning in. “Ben. This won’t solve anything. Annie knew his life would be short. But you? You’re destined for so much…”
He took pause, blue eyes narrowing as he absorbed her words.
“What do you mean he knew his life would be short?” Ben asked, voice turning low and cold. From the way Sammi averted her gaze and stepped back, releasing him, he knew. She didn’t have to answer him. “He knew. He knew this would happen. And so did you. And you didn’t do anything.”
Normally, he would feel enraged, consider this a betrayal, but he felt nothing welling up in him. It was a testament to how disconnected he’d become. He didn’t need his Force sensitivity to see her discomfort, her hesitation. But there was no guilt there. None at all. Did she have no remorse over Annie’s death?
“Of course I have remorse.” Sammi said quietly, sighing. “But it was the will of the Force, Ben. It was meant to happen and thus it did. He was meant to save you, by sacrificing his own life, so that you would live on and become a great Jedi.” “But there are no Jedi. I cannot become something that no longer exists, especially when it’s impossible for me now. I can train my body all I want but my mind is no longer connected. You know that. I don’t see why you continue to argue the point with me, rubbing in all that I can no longer do. Especially by invading my feelings as you just did.”
Sammi recoiled, but ever so faintly. His words struck her, yes, but his tone-- his absolute void of feeling. It was so cold and so lonely. He was in such pain, he just didn’t see it. “Oh, Ben…”
“You knew.” He repeated, cutting her off. “Have you told anyone else that you knew? Grandpa? My dad? How about Aunt Leia and Uncle Han? I think they’d like to know.” Slowly, he began circling her, eyes trained on her as if she were his prey. “They’d want to know about your betrayal. Grandpa would be sad, disappointed. Dad would be shocked, dismayed that you feel so little. It’s the apathy of the light, isn’t it? You just sit idly by and let things happen, even if you could have stopped them.” He gave pause here, letting that sink in before continuing, “... and Aunt Leia already dislikes you. She’s jealous of you. What do you think will happen when she finds out? Because she will, inevitably.”
The girl frowned, knowing that he was right. Ben was absolutely right. It was why she didn’t even try to argue with him. It was better for him to let this out now, than to hold on to it, even if it hurt her in the process.
“... then she’ll go from disliking you to outright hating you. She’s vengeful. We all know that. It’s no secret. When she finds out, she’ll come after you, and you had better be ready for the dangerous onslaught you will have to face. Then there’s Uncle Han. Even when Aunt Leia was mean to you, he was nice. But I wouldn’t expect that to last. He’ll probably hate you just as much as she will.”
He didn’t say these things to be unkind. Rather, they were simply the truth and he was stating it clear as day for her, seeing as how she didn’t seem to understand the ramifications of her actions or, rather, inactions.
Apparently, Sammi had nothing to say to that. So, he turned on his heel and began the last leg of his trek once again, when he heard her pipe up from behind him, “Ben--”
“Oh.” He interrupted, stopping in his tracks. “That’s right. I forgot about Grandpa Ben.”
Sammi had been about to follow him, but stopped at those words, feeling her blood run cold. He wasn’t finished yet. And she had the feeling that this one might hurt the most.
“... you were kind of a complication for him at first, weren’t you? It took him a long time to warm up, but he did, eventually. He welcomed you as his own child; though, he couldn’t embrace you fully, because of the relationship he had with Grandpa Ani. He was too defensive of him moving in on his children. Despite all of that you became so close. He’s more of a best friend to you. A much older best friend. And that’s why it was so easy, wasn’t it?”
His question startled her, blue eyes widening in disbelief. She hadn’t thought that this would come, she never guessed that this discussion would take such a direction. She bounced on her heels, as though tempted to run. Just run before he could voice her most secret feelings, make them known. She could ignore them so long as no one else ever acknowledged them. If he spoke those words, then it’d be real and she’d be so awful for feeling the way she did.
Luckily, Ben let that hang in the air, giving her a pointed look before abandoning her once again.
This time, she made no move to stop him.
